Girlfriend knows how much I was looking forward to valentines day... She was in a shit mood and got all grumpy. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm crying about it. It was such a disappointment. It just hurts. Was it too much to ask for that one day to be good? I honestly thought I'd go to bed smiling for once.
I can't take everything anymore. I'm afraid I'll get so depressed that it will get much worse.
I have days where I don't want to be alive.
Idiot
Bitch
Selfish
Weird
Brat
Self absorbed
Stupid
Ugly
Loner
I feel like I'm hearing these on a daily basis.
Most of you who read this will know I'm depressed, most of you will think it's because of my ex. But no. That may have raised the stress anxiety and depression, but it wasn't what caused it.
To be honest, I blame the surgery I had in 2008. But even then I can't be sure, I had people pointing out everything that was wrong with me, like the hunch I used to have. So every day I would look in the mirror and see exactly what was wrong with me. That hurt. After the surgery I spent a lot of time alone, and personally, I don't deal with loneliness well, neither do I deal with people treating me like I don't exist. Which also happens frequently the frequent "Oh! Lizzy! I didn't know you were here!" called out by the teacher, it makes me feel invisible. I'm always nervous about everything, what people think, or say about me, I get stressed out, to the point where I can't sleep, I cry, have panic attacks, but I don't sleep. It's taking it's toll on my grades, on the people around me.... And I feel like a horrible person when I try to talk to my girlfriend about it.
I just want to go back to a couple of years ago. When everything was perfect. When people would tell me what's going on instead of closing me out of their lives. Because that is what hurts the most.
Sorry for the rant. It needed to get out of my system.
An amazing song and video. It actually cheers me up a bit.
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